I've now been to two graduation ceremonies in Japan. The first was for the school that I work at, and it was what you would call a standard Japanese High School graduation, meaning that there was a lot of exaggerated bowing and prolonged speeches. It was extraordinarily formal, and for some strange reason it was very compartmentalized; everyone had a "starting position" in which everyone was situated a certain way, and then the M.C. would call certain people up to the stage to do their bit, and then everyone would return to "starting position" again. This was especially ridiculous for the principal, who had a part in every individual bit:

M.C.: "Mr. Principal, would you please come up to present the diplomas?"

The principal gets up, bows, moves to the stage, presents the diplomas to a few token students

M.C.: "Thank you Mr. Principal, thank you students, everyone please be seated."

The principal bows, goes back to his seat off the stage, and sits down for about three seconds.

M.C.: "Mr. Principal, would you please come up and present the attendance awards?"

The principal gets up, bows, moves to the stage, presents the awards to a few token students.
M.C.: "Thank you Mr. Principal, thank you students, everyone please be seated."

The principal bows, goes back to his seat off the stage, and sits down for about three seconds.....


Etc. Etc. Etc. for two hours. I think the principal got up and sat down ten or fifteen times. And when I say three seconds, I mean three seconds. It was like Hokay, gonna sit down here, onetwothree, aannnd up we go...

He speaks decent English, and we're pretty tight, he and I, so after the cerimony he came up to me:

Mr. Principal: "Brad Sensei! What did you think about cerimony?"
Me: "Very interesting. You moved a lot."
Mr. Principal: (Laughing)
Me: "Up Down Up Down, you know?"
Mr. Principal: (Laughing) (Laughing)

Like I said, we're pretty tight.

So tight, in fact, that just a few days ago he must have seen me:

a) walking in circles around the space heater
b) sleeping
c) giving Ace of Base another try on my playlist
d) making a little fort with my cell-phone for my paperclip village

....and realized that I was very bored. His solution? Invite me to another graduation! This time at a Junior High School! I admit, at first I was wondering if another two hours of watching people bow was what I really needed, but it turned out to be pretty cool. For starters, I was in the VIP section, so I got tea, and every single junior high student that got a diploma had to pass by our place up front and bow specifically to us. We gave them the briefest of uppity nods in return. I also got a little gift of bean paste wrapped in chewy goo, and they even served me coffee.

The cerimony itself was a sight to behold, mainly because everybody was crying.

At my Koho's graduation, not one student cried. I don't know why. I think it might be because some of them have no souls, but then again I could be wrong. I think tears are created in your soul, just under your left armpit, but I don't know for sure. I am not a doctor. Anyway, the only people crying at Koho were a few teachers, who do have souls. Souls that grew even bigger that day. Perhaps three sizes.

The graduation for Iwase Junior High was a cacophany of sneezes, mewling, sniffling, and speeches that ended in high pitched squeaks. Even the principal teared up on stage. The band director was flapping her hands about keeping the beat while her face was contorted up in an effort to keep from exploding in sobs. She looked like she was in pain. I did see a lot more of the girls crying that the guys, but I think that's because the guys will get the shit beaten out of them at baseball practice if the wrong dude catches them crying like a sissy. Not the girls, though. The girls could have at it, and it was contagious with them, it moved about them and would lie dormant until something set it off, kind of like herpes, and then whole rows of them would break out in tears.

I don't even remember my 8th grade graduation, aside from the fact that I ardently expected the perfect attendance award, and was genuinely shocked when I didn't get it. I think i spent the rest of the graduation thinking just how the hell I had blown it. Angela Lonigro ended up getting it, my ex girlfriend, who had dumped me around Christmas. Thanks a lot Angela. Catholic girls...I tell ya...

I do remember the graduation party afterward, it rocked. My mom threw a bitchin' party for my whole class and we all even danced with each other in that funny, stick up the ass way that 8th graders do. I would only become familiar with the dirty, crotch-grinding style a year later in high school. I was a late bloomer in the dancing department.

Where was I? Japan. Right. Well, these 8th grade kids probably weren't going to get a party, it's hard to fit one in when you're at school until 8pm every night of your life. And even if they did, I'm not so sure that they dance with each other here. They probably could have done a pretty wicked line dance, or maybe a carefully choreographed Dance Dance Revolution style thing, but crotch-griding? Dry Humping? No, the only 8th graders playing grab-ass are the ones in England, when they aren't in the bathroom blowing lines and taking ex to throbbing club beats, that is.

Just where the hell can a kid be a kid anymore?

I'll tell you where:

Toys R Us my friends. We will always have Toys R Us. Here's to you, Geoffrey Giraffe.