I’ve now resorted to working for free for anyone who will take me.
I suppose it’s the natural progression of things. Or regression. Four months into this whole job search operation and I have actually regressed. Or perhaps I have simply come to realize how little sway I have amongst people who don’t give a good goddamn about me one way or the other. The idea behind this whole “work for free” thing is to get in the door, work cleaning out the trashcans and collating the tax returns for Company X for a while, and then walk into the boss’s office a few months later, doff my cap, hold it in both hands in front of my chest, and with a sheepish look in my eye, I ask:
“Please Mister Boss! Can I have some money now?”
at which point I am totally and completely at their mercy, banking on the all too unlikely hope that he or she has a shred of decency within them and will go, “Ok you rascal, you’ve been a good trashcan cleaner-outer, why don’t we give you a few bucks an hour to keep up the good shit-cleanin’ work?”
To which I will go, “Thank you sir, I won’t let you down, really I won’t!” And then I go skipping down the office like a slaphappy idiot.
See, this, however, is the type of thinking that got me here in the first place, and it is wrong. The type of person who thinks that this will happen is the same type of poor soul who actually thinks that you can get considered for a job if you send in a resume, cover letter, and a few recommendation letters. This is the type of person who thinks that, while the working world may not owe them a lot, it does at least owe them the decency of giving their resume a fair shake.
This type of person, dear reader, is a jackass.
Because not only does the working world not owe you anything, if it can, the working world will in fact try to take things from you while you aren’t looking. Things like your self-respect and your faith in modern humanity. And you don’t even work for them yet! What you don’t realize is that the corporate world hates you without even knowing you yet.
You actually think you deserve to have potential employers give you a fair shake? HA! The working world scoffs at you and your naiveté. “Fuck that!” says The World. “I don’t even know you! Who are you? Can you make me millions of dollars like these other stiffs can? How are you going to get me more flashy cars and mounds of cocaine? You’re just a punk ass bitch! That’s what you are! You disgust me!”
The working world also wears designer clothes, silk suspenders, and thousand-dollar loafers without socks. Come to think of it, the working world looks a lot like Gordon Gekko.
Now that you know who you’re dealing with, let’s re-examine how the whole “working for free” scenario will really pan out.
So here you are, trashcan cleaner for free extraordinaire (also known as an internship), and after a few months you go into your boss’s office to pop the question:
“Please Mister Boss! Can I have some money now?”
The boss turns around in his leather lounger and puts his sockless feet up on his mahogany desk.
“Who are you again?” he asks.
“Well sir, my name is Brad, I’ve been an intern here for a while now, I was hoping…”
“…What, that I’d pay you?”
“Well, something like that sir.”
“Don’t make me laugh Biff.”
“It’s Brad, sir.”
“Listen Biff, what would you do if I don’t pay you?”
“Well, I might just leave!” I say.
“Fine.”
“What?”
“Leave!” he says, “No loss for me. It’s not like I’m paying you.”
“B, b, b, but I was hoping to move up to a paid position here!”
“Alright Biff, fine. What if I told you that if you keep working here for free, I might consider paying you in a few more months? Would that make you happy?”
“I suppose so sir, I’ll just have to work harder!”
“You sure will. For free. Now clean my trashcan.”
“Yes sir!”
And there you have it. That’s what would happen. The funniest part is, to date I have offered to work for free for two different businesses. Their responses?
"No thank you."
Unbelievable.
