This week was rough for me. The kids were either catatonic or talkative assholes. I even tried to kick two kids out of class, to no effect:

I was explaining the lesson of the day when, as usual, these two punks start talking over me. Twice I tell them to be quiet, i even use the "shush" motion so any idiot with half a brain could understand. Not these two, though. They start talking again. For the third time I go and tell them to be quiet, and this time they actually talk over my warning like I'm not even there. I snap. I grab the books of one of the kids, shut his notebook, and point at the door.

"Get out." I say.

He looks angrily at the wall.

"Get out of my class. Leave."

His friend is amused at this turn of events. I turn to him.

"You too," I say, "get out. Now"

He also looks angrily at the wall.

By now my co-teacher has come over and is, quite frankly, very pleased with this approach (she likes these jackasses no more than I do). She starts to translate because she knows that neither of them understand even one word of the rudimentary English I am speaking, despite the six months of lessons I have taught them. Something is still not computing with these two; my co-teacher moves to grab one to physically remove him from the class, he swats her away.

"no no no no no no," I say, I open my arms wide. If you're gonna swat somebody, swat at me.

He doesn't swat at me.

He cracks his knuckles. Honest to God, he cracks his knuckles. What are you gonna do, Tanaka? Are you gonna fight me? His answer is to stare harder and more angrily at the wall. After five minutes of yelling to no effect (and since i'm not sure how legal it is for us to physically throw a kid out of class) I ask him if now he's finally going to be fucking quiet. Yes, I dropped the F-bomb. I shouldn't have, but I got pissed about how pissed off a 16 year old boy could make me. It's a good thing none of them can understand English. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the lesson staring at that wall, and I spent the rest of the lesson thinking about how anyone can ever teach for a living.

Anyway, the point is, it was a rough week. The weekend, however, changed everything around.

Of all the phrases and pithy comments I have made in my life, there are two in particular that I had never hoped to use: The first is "The Griffith's Don't Negotiate With Terrorists," which, thank God, I have not yet had to employ. The second: "I'm Sorry, I Can't Make It Out Tonight, I Have To Go Audition For A Role In A Cinderella Musical," I have now, believe it or not, actually used in real life.

Yes. I just did a readthrough for a part in the JET charity show adapatation of Cinderella, and yes, it is a musical, and yes, I am very excited to have been cast in the roles of GUARD #1, and TREE #1. They are the parts that I read for. No lead for me. I don't want to steal any thunder.

I went into the audition actually hoping to be one of the little mice that gets turned into the sweet stallions by the fairy godmother. Alas, no such mice exist in the 2006 JET adaptation. The next best thing? The tree and the guard. I know you may not think that the tree and guard have funny lines, but you haven't read the script. Perhaps you can catch it when it hits the big screen.

During the audition they asked me to sing for fifteen seconds. I sang an unbelievably spot on rendition of "California Dreamin'" by the Mamas and the Papas. I even had my own echo effect. It went something like this:

"ALL THE LEAVES ARE BRO-(all the leaves are brown) I had to cut in on myself there.
AND THE SKY IS GRAYYYYY-(and the sky is grayyyy)

I WENT FOR A WAL-(I went for a walk) cut in on myself again.
ON A WINTER'S DAY-(on a winter's day)

I'D BE SAFE AND WAR-(I'd be safe and warm) and again.
IF I WAS IN L.A.-(if I was in L.A.)

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN'-(California dreaminnnnn') I dropped low for effect here
ON SUCH A WINTER'S DAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.......



aaaaaaand then they cut me off.


Needless to say, I nailed the audition.



Afterwards, when i was at home, I texted one of the producers, a very sweet girl by the name of Sarah, with this question. Verbatim:

hey its brad. yo if its possible id like a role that allows me to smoke a cigar on stage. peace!


She replied shortly with the following:


do u realize u have to work in 10 hrs?





I guess that means no cigar.