Yesterday was a big day here. All classes were cancelled. It was the annual "Tournament Day" at Koho High School.

Every Japanese High School student is required to take a sport for PE class. Every boy at Koho is given the choice between Kendo or Judo. He must choose one. Sucks if he's a lover, not a fighter, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Every girl must take badminton, there is no negotiation here, girls get no choice. Such is Japan.

The administration thought it would be a great idea, once a year, for every boy to fight in a tournament of their respective sports until one emerges as the best at Kendo and another emerges as the best at Judo, everyone watches from the sidelines.

The girls must all bat little feathered rubber balls at each other in the far gym while no one watches or cares. Such is Japan.

Now, I imagine that Tournament Day terrifies 90% of the boys in this school and elates the other meat-head 10%. We have a lot of disabled kids here, a few have minor physical disabilites, many more have mild to slightly severe mental disabilities, it doesn't matter, everyone fights, only one winner.

A small part of me thinks this tournament is a good idea: this is the part of me that loves the movie Fight Club and that does not like sissies. The larger part of me is slightly horrified, but nonetheless amused. I keep thinking what it would have been like if I had been forced to fight in a tournament with everyone in my freshman class at Littleton High School. Yeeeesh. That wouldn't have been pretty. The meat-heads would have loved it though. It's V-Day for the big guys; they can't really speak english (many have trouble with Japanese), but they can sure as shit beat the living hell out of a skinny kid with a stick, or pin him on the ground with a choke hold.

There were several hilariously tragic fights throughout the day. One 4 foot 11 inch kid had a kendo match against a tall thin kid, I admit I laughed when I saw the little guy flailing around a sword that was just as big as him. Some kids never attacked, they just held up their hands like beaten puppies while their opponents wailed on them. In Judo, I saw several kids get thrown over the backs of their opponents within ten seconds of the match. They would get up, smile awkwardly, and move to sit down in the losers circles. One kid got himself on the bad end of a hold and just gave up, he sat there under the meat-head for a full minute, until the time was up.

Believe it or not, the boxing champion made it to the last round of Judo, he lost though. The winner was a big stocky guy. Surprise surprise. The final match was between him and this muscular beady eyed kid who looks like a stone cold killer at 15. The winner of the kendo matches were also big guys. They could have saved everybody a lot of trouble and just told me at the beginning of the day to pick out the winners, I would have been correct, and no little kids need have been humiliated.

In the afternoon was the big event: Teacher's Kendo Team vs. All-State Girls Kendo Team. Your's truly was included. Imagine, if you will, one ring, two opponents, every student watching on the sideline. There is a teachers dugout where each man waits for his turn, there is a student dugout where each lady awaits her turn. We eye each other accross the playing field. Three judges place themselves strategically about the ring. It's go time. Three teachers went before me, not one got even a single point. The girls are creaming us. I point menacingly at my opponent accross the ring, she doesn't understand what I'm doing, I look around me and figure out no-one really points here, I stop pointing.

It's my turn. Best of three points. I'm the red guy, she's the white guy.

I stand up, move to the edge of the ring and bow at my enemy. Together we walk towards each other and bow again. We take out our bamboo swords. Someone screams "START" and were off. Immediatley I switch into that cocky "sword above your head" stance, but uh-oh, she's in it too. Shit. Time to attack. I scream and unleash a fury of blows about her head. She blocks every one. She screams at me and attacks, we start pushing at each other, our masks touching. She looks me in the eye and I look her in the eye and we both scream again.

She tags me on the head. "POINT!" White flags go up.

We start again, I scream again, and I get lost in the battle. I use one handed whip-motions from far away because of my long arms. She blocks but she is overwhelmed by my hugeness. Somehow, in the heat of battle, I manage to throw her off.

I crack her on the head. "POINT!" RED FLAGS GO UP! HAHAHAHA! I GOT A POINT! The crowd loves it. White boy got a point! White boy got a point! I'm back in the game. Best of three. This is it. One more for the win.

We start again, I scream again, I move in to attack but it's sloppy. She tags me within 15 seconds. "POINT!" White flags go up.

I am defeated. She has chopped my right hand off.

We bow, many times. The match is done.

The rest of the tournament went similarly, but no one else got a point. I am the only teacher on our team that managed to get even one point off of the all-state girls team. True, part of it was a gimmie, no doubt they wanted to see me get a point in Kendo, but you know, I've always said (since yesterday) that a point is a point.

At the end of the match all of the girls ran up to us again and bowed again "Thank you Sensei!" my girl says. I point at her,

"You are awesome," I say. She doesn't understand. She looks at her friend for help

"Awesome," I repeat. Her friend understands and translates. My opponent smiles.

"No, you." She says.

I got a point.