This past week we had the infamous “Sports Day” at Koho High. Sports Day is kind of like the Field Day we all loved (or hated) in middle school, except that whereas in the US it’s a pastime reserved mostly for kids under ten, in Japan every student from the age of five to the age of eighteen takes part in some form of Sports Day every single year.

Now, being the type of child that mostly liked to read the Chronicles of Narnia and play with my GI Joe’s in the sandbox, I thought even the modest Field Day I was forced to take part in at Governor’s Ranch Elementary School unnecessarily competitive. "Why," I thought, "are they making me run so far, and with so many people?” I’d much rather hang out with JoJo, our overweight class rabbit (RIP).

Suffice to say, I would not have been very happy growing up in Japan.

One of the second year JETs prepared me for Sports Day thusly:

“It’s like you close your eyes, and when you open them again you are magically transported back to 1938 Japan, where the Emperor is still God, and where everyone is recruiting for the war effort. It will blow you away.”

The pageantry associated with this day is intense. The students were split up into three teams: Blue Dragon, Red Phoenix, and White Tiger. Each team had a massive flag and a two story tall mural emblazoned with a glowering picture of their corresponding animal (or fantastical creature, whichever the case may be). Every student was given a headband to represent their color. At the correct musical cue, every student marched (yes, that’s right, marched) up to present their colors to the principle, who in turn blessed them, and gave a speech. There was much chanting of slogans and bowing. It was truly a sight to behold.

The Japanese Sports Day has everything an American Field Day has: the relays, the sack races, that infuriating relay in which you carry water bit by bit into a receptacle of some sort, shot put, etc. etc. And then some.

For instance, for the life of me I cannot ever remember having played anything like “Tire Fight” during Field Day at home. This is a delightful Sports Day game in which all of the girls (and only the girls) line up facing each other in two rows, in the center of which is a bunch of tires. A whistle blows. The girls run to get the tires and carry them back to their lines, and the side with the most tires wins. Simple, right? Except that for forty girls there are about ten tires. There is pulling, yanking, dragging, and screaming. A Tire Fight is the type of sport that would be at a redneck barbeque.

Nor did we have “Pyramid Wrestling” at Governor’s Ranch, thank Christ. But boy do they ever have it here. Pyramid Wrestling is a ludicrously violent competition in which the Japanese boys wrestle in groups of four until somebody falls, or until somebody gets stripped of their headband. Remember playing “chicken fight” in the pool back when you were a kid? That was fun, right? A few laughs, a few pushes, and everyone falls gaily into the cool water. Well, think of that, except the fighter is on top of three kids, and instead of falling into cool water, the loser falls onto dirt. Broken and bleeding.

Here is a perfect picture:

Somewhere along the line, probably back in 1938, some masochistic bastard apparently thought starting from a standing position was just too safe. They all get running starts now.

Here was a particularly nasty fight.

This….

Turned into this:

All of the sudden, and to the surprise of absolutely nobody, one of the poor kids fell directly on his neck. He was also bleeding from the forehead. They took him to the hospital. Don’t worry though! He was back in time for the closing ceremonies! If only there was a medal for awarded for head wounds!

After the event I interviewed two students. One of them is a “tough guy” and the other is a pretty Average Joe, just a nice guy.

First, Mr. Nice Guy. He always says hi to me and waves goodbye to me at the end of the day. When I taught him, he never slept or made disruptions. An all ‘round good kid.

Me: What do you think about this?

Nice Guy: It hurts.

Me: What hurts?

Nice Guy: My arm. I fell on it.

Me: Well, at least it’s over, right?

Nice Guy: Until next year. Then it comes back. I don’t want to do it again.

Me: I see.

Now, Mr. Toughie. He likes Slipknot and Marilyn Manson. He is also, strangely, a pretty good student.

Me: What do you think about this?

Tough Guy: I love fighting.

Me: I see.

Like many things in Japan, Sports Day is both ludicrous and endearing, and if you get into it, it can be a hell of a lot of fun. Hell, even the Teacher’s Relay was a lot of fun, and I almost threw up after that! (In my defense, I had to run a whole 300 meters). I also took part in the High Jump competition; you see, I was a pretty hotshit highjumper back in my day, (I believe I took third place in Elementary School), so when the top guy at Koho won and they asked me if I thought I could beat his height, I took off my hat and sunglasses, handed my camera to someone, and walked out onto the field, preparing to bask in the glory and adoration of my students once I shattered his mark.

I made a big show of stretching, began my slow approach, took bigger and bigger strides, lifted into a beautiful backwards jump……..aaaaaaaand slammed right into the pole. I landed spread eagle on-top of the pole on the cushion. I almost took the whole apparatus down on top of me. Everyone politely chuckled. The boy who won smiled and bowed when I shook his hand.

Back in the day though, I’d have been all over it.