A few months ago I was privy to a Japanese Pimp fight. It was my first Pimp fight ever, (except for me, there aren’t a whole lot of pimps in the Denver Suburbs...BADABING!), so naturally I was intrigued.

I’m not sure how the whole incident got started, but by the time we had arrive on the scene (to sing karaoke at a joint nearby), there was already one dude knocked out and bleeding from the head on the sidewalk, and the street was swamped with pimps and ragtag individuals of every sort.

First, a word about Japanese Pimps. They don’t look like much. Unlike pimps in the US, they don’t wear flashy colors or badass velvet fedoras, nor do they carry gold tipped, ivory handled canes or wear Chinchilla coats dyed a rainbow of fabulous colors. In fact, the only thing pimps in the US share with pimps in Japan are the shoes, (mostly gator-skinned, silver-tipped cowboy boots, or 1970’s style pointy-tipped bright leather loafers with absurd heels for a man), that and the Hos of course. Otherwise they dress in sleek looking suits, either white or black. They choose to express their pimpdom through their hair, which they mullet out and bouffant, or purchase extensions for until it’s down to their lower back, then they dye it rusty red or gold. Now that I think about it, they look pretty ridiculous. Really quite stupid.

Their job is to pick up potential girls for hostess positions, and to direct you to the nearest hostess bar that they represent. Virtually every single one of them is connected at some level to the Yakuza, and there are hundreds of them, one at every street corner on a Saturday night. Some of them have little FBI earpieces, and should you require their services, they will call up a car and whisk you away to wherever you want to go. They are also all about 5 foot 3, and, despite the whole Gay Elvis thing, most of them look about as menacing as Jon Arbuckle.

At least that’s what I though, until one of them dropped the poor fellow that ended up bleeding from the head on the sidewalk that night. You see, I failed to recognize that practically none of these pimps compete against each other, and are, in fact, all most likely part of the same underworld gang, sort of like different branches of the same franchise, so the second somebody fucked with one of them, that person got on their little earpiece and brought the pain with the entire crew. While I could most likely deal with one of these pimps, I wouldn’t want to have to contend with 35 of them.

The whole spectacle was notable for one other reason as well: The Japanese Police. Now, I respect the police system here for the most part. They have a very visible presence in every major area of traffic, and they were very capable when an old man ran down Geoff as he was biking across the street, before promptly driving off. They tracked the guy down, made him apologize, fined him, etc. etc. But the way that they pandered to these worthless pimps, and tried lamely to diffuse the situation that night, well, it was just embarrassing.

You see, once the dude got hit, his posse showed up, and then the pimp posse showed up, and everyone was in each other’s face, and people were shoving and fighting, and then the police showed up. It’s all over, right? Wrong. Nobody is arrested, nobody is even taken away. The police pretty much played the part of the High School teacher who pulls kids apart and holds them back while they do their macho posturing. But still, it’s the cops, right? So we figure that the situation is under control. So we go in to sing our karaoke, and an hour later we come back out...and the pimps are still yelling and trying to fight! Unbelievable! Nothing has changed except the fact that there are now fifteen policemen being worthless. It’s mayhem! There are Hos running about in their high heels, and dudes yelling and pushing, and a big crowd has come to see what the hell could possibly be have been going on for an hour and a half, and the police are doing their part by saying “Sir, calm down sir. Please sir. Just calm down sir.”

We even saw, repeatedly, the pimps pushing and kicking at the police, which, as you know, would have lasted all of one second in the US, and most likely would have ended with the perpetrator dead.

The US cops aren’t perfect by any means, Lord knows our police have their own problems, but as I watched these pimps yell and shove and kick at the police I couldn’t help but think that what the whole situation needed was a nice dose of NYPD whoopass.

I can imagine how it would have gone down:

Pimp: (moves to shove police officer)
NYPD Cop 1: Sir, if you touch me I’m gonna have to shoot you.
Pimp: What?!?
NYPD Cop 1: Sir, is that a gun?
Pimp: This? This is a cigarette!
NYPD Cop 1: Fred, I think he’s got a gun.
NYPD Cop 2: TAKE HIM DOWN!!

(blamblamblamblamblamblamblam...........blamblam!)

All of the activity on the street stops. The pimps and hooligans put their hands up.

NYPD Cop 1: Requesting backup! Requesting backup! Officer down! Officer down!
NYPD Cop 2: Yeah! Officer down! TAZER ‘EM ALL!


And that would be that.